Often names and locations will be changed to protect sources who may find themselves suffering severe personal consequences if their identity or exact location is revealed. However always keep in mind that stories are all true and opinions are those of the writer.
Wife refuses to perform oral sex
Husband calls 9-1-1 to teach her a lesson
By Joseph Shbotnick, Editor
Northern Illinois- Police/Fire dispatchers took a call from a local resident claiming his wife was beating him. "Can you come quick my wife just punched me in the face," the caller claimed. The dispatcher kept the caller on the phone as he dispatched police units to the location for the in-progress domestic battery.
While police were en route the caller began yelling at his wife, "I told you I'd call them, I told you, did you learn your lesson bitch!" As squad cars pulled up to the upscale residence, the caller told the dispatcher he no longer needed the police and that "my wife has learned her lesson." The dispatcher responded in disgust, "did you make a false 9-1-1 report?" The caller proudly exclaimed "yes I did, so you no longer need to come here." The dispatcher informed the schmuck that the police have arrived and he will have to speak to them.
While at the residence an officer checked on the wife to confirm her safety and discuss what had taken place. "My husband and I went out tonight and when we got home he wanted a blow-job, but I just wanted to go to sleep," the wife stated. "He threatened to call the police if I did not satisfy him, so when I refused he kept his word.
The husband was lectured by the police and placed in handcuffs. Unfortunately due to an abnormal amount of arrests over the weekend, the department decided not haul him because of no unavailable holding cells. He was released from the cuffs and she left the house to spend the night at her parents. She came back home an hour later because she is a schmuck too.
Schmuck Weekly was unable to confirm if any oral gratification ultimately took place.
Senate Democrats earn group Schmuck award
Using families pain at the pump for political points
By Paulie, Political Schmuck
Gas prices are hurting Americans. There is no doubt that middle-class families are traveling less, taking less vacations and not dining out as much. Leisure and convenience industries are suffering and there is no end in sight.
As always lower income families are being hit the hardest. People that don't have much or any discretionary income are now choosing between groceries and gasoline and nobody in Washington or any state capitals gives a damn.
Senate Democrats are shamelessly using the suffering of average Americans to help them gain house and senate seats as well as the White House in November. Since the GOP only has people who rode the short bus to school handling their political campaigns, the reality that oil has doubled while Democrats controlled both the House and Senate, most likely will not be properly communicated to the electorate. The GOP deserves an honorable mention in the schmuck department.
The Democrat solution is no solution. They want oil companies to pay a windfall profit tax, which was originally enacted by the biggest schmuck of them all, Jimmy Carter in 1980. I'm not going to get into corporate taxes, but I want to know is how Exxon and BP paying more taxes is going to relieve my pain at the pump?
The truth is that it won't and in fact could have an opposite affect. However the Democratic bill being blocked by the GOP gives the Obama Party a campaign issue, which in reality should be a GOP issue, but they are too stupid to communicate it. Democrats will go to the American people and use the recent legislation failure to claim Republicans only care about those evil oil companies, while we the Democrats care about you and your family.
Senate Democrats are schmucks and so are their fellow schmucks in the house. They are enjoying watching you and I suffer because they believe we deserve it. How dare we drive mini-vans and suv's that get only 20-25 miles to the gallon. We are horrible people for wanting to transfer our family around in a safe comfortable environment. We need to cut back and drive smaller cars regardless of how it impacts our lives. We are destroying the environment with our gas guzzlers, so if we can cut down carbon emissions slightly it's ok if mom and dad loose their job and can't afford to provide proper nutrition for their children is a small price to pay for political power and keeping the environmental lobby happy.
In 1995 the GOP controlled congress passed legislation authorizing drilling in the ANWR province in Alaska. That would have produced over a million barrels of oil a day. Sadly a Schmuck who is famous for not being able to keep his schmuck in his pants, Bill Clinton vetoed the bill. America would have begun utilizing that oil about seven to ten years later. We would have never seen gas prices come close to $4 and with that much less demand on OPEC $3 would have also been unlikely.
What do Democrats care as long as they can make a schmuck out of you, me and the GOP. Then again anyone can make the GOP look like one.
Thank you for not being a schmuck
Contact: schmuckweekly@hotmail.com
