A different type of gas crisis

When husbands fart
Flatulence causes wife to retaliate
By Joseph Shbotnick, Editor

Near Chicago - Police officers responded to a 9-1-1 call from a male complainant claiming his wife was out of control, destroying the apartment and that he feared for his safety. Public safety dispatchers sent multiple squad cars to respond to the in-progress domestic dispute, While enroute officers were made aware by dispatchers that they have received previous domestic disturbance calls from the same caller and each time, the trouble was unfounded. Nevertheless police treated the call appropriately as an emergency situation.


Immediately upon arrival the caller ran outside to meet the officers and from the start something didn't smell right. That would turn out to be the understatement of the evening.


When the police walked into the dwelling, the wife told the patrolmen that her husband, "farted near the wall." Angered by the smell that ensued from the broken wind, she demanded he spray the apartment with air freshner. When doing so, she asked him to spray near the wall were the cheese-cutting originated. When doing so she didn't feel het husband was appropriately using the cannister. As she went to grab it, she stepped into recently sprayed air, which caused deodorizer mist to gain entrance into her eye.


At this point the wife's anger greatly increased causing her to begin throwing household objects around the residence. Various objects were hurled at the husband, but no injuries were inflicted. After nearly one-hour discussing the situation with the couple, the matter was resolved, no medical treatment was required for either spouse.


Terrorists threatening wrong country
China doesn't have due process just due revenge
By Paulies Point

One of the reasons terrorist groups love to mess with the United States and Europe is that they know that no matter how barbaric they behave, our countries have due process of law as well as boundaries we will not cross when fighting a war. Simply put the United States and Europe to a lesser extent, value human life.

Growing up I recall hearing stories about terror groups and criminal groups taking Russian citizens or government officials hostage. The Soviets usually responded by finding a family member of the alleged offenders and mailing body parts of the person to believed whereabouts.


Chicago historians talk about the trial of mass murderer Richard Speck who was convicted of killing eight woman. Speck's victims were Filipino nurses living in a school dormitory. His trial was attended by numerous Filipino men who had received recent visas through the consulate in Chicago. It was later revealed these individuals were government agents of the Phillipines who were instructed to assasinate Speck if he was not convicted or released on a technicality.


The KGB as well as secret security forces of many Communist and Arab nations are well known for their ruthless and inhumane revenge tactics. One of the most brutal nations is China and recently a few ignorant schmucks threatended to attack the upcoming Beijing Olympic games.


The Turkestan Islamic Party has recently claimed responsibility for a bus bombing and three other attacks against various Chinese provinces. They are also planning on attacking the Olympic games.


"Our aim is to target the most critical points related to the Olympics. We will try to attack Chinese central cities severely using the tactics that have never been employed," Commander Seyfullah says in a recent video.


Hey Seyfullofshit or whatever your name is, better off yourself now or suffer greatly later. The government of China has already told local restaurants not to serve dog meat as well as announced plans to prevent protesting. What do you think there going to do to your ass when they find you and oh believe me they will. Anybody who passes gas near the Beijing games will most likely find an electrode up their tuchas.

China plans to make sure everyone attending the games leaves with a great impression of the country. What do you think they will do to anyone they suspect might cause the games or the security forces any grief?

Exactly!


Thank you for not being a schmuck

Contact: schmuckweekly@hotmail.com

Welcome to the Schmuck

Welcome to the world of Schmuck Weekly. Every week and sometimes more than once a week our dedicated staff will bring you stories, observations and opinions that will intrigue the senses causing our readers to say "what a schmuck". Much of what you read will have a humorous angle, because when you are dealing with a schmuck you have too laugh or it will hurt your brain too much to comprehend.


Often names and locations will be changed to protect sources who may find themselves suffering severe personal consequences if their identity or exact location is revealed. However always keep in mind that stories are all true and opinions are those of the writer.

Wife refuses to perform oral sex
Husband calls 9-1-1 to teach her a lesson

By Joseph Shbotnick, Editor


Northern Illinois- Police/Fire dispatchers took a call from a local resident claiming his wife was beating him. "Can you come quick my wife just punched me in the face," the caller claimed. The dispatcher kept the caller on the phone as he dispatched police units to the location for the in-progress domestic battery.

While police were en route the caller began yelling at his wife, "I told you I'd call them, I told you, did you learn your lesson bitch!" As squad cars pulled up to the upscale residence, the caller told the dispatcher he no longer needed the police and that "my wife has learned her lesson." The dispatcher responded in disgust, "did you make a false 9-1-1 report?" The caller proudly exclaimed "yes I did, so you no longer need to come here." The dispatcher informed the schmuck that the police have arrived and he will have to speak to them.

While at the residence an officer checked on the wife to confirm her safety and discuss what had taken place. "My husband and I went out tonight and when we got home he wanted a blow-job, but I just wanted to go to sleep," the wife stated. "He threatened to call the police if I did not satisfy him, so when I refused he kept his word.

The husband was lectured by the police and placed in handcuffs. Unfortunately due to an abnormal amount of arrests over the weekend, the department decided not haul him because of no unavailable holding cells. He was released from the cuffs and she left the house to spend the night at her parents. She came back home an hour later because she is a schmuck too.

Schmuck Weekly was unable to confirm if any oral gratification ultimately took place.



Senate Democrats earn group Schmuck award
Using families pain at the pump for political points

By Paulie, Political Schmuck

Gas prices are hurting Americans. There is no doubt that middle-class families are traveling less, taking less vacations and not dining out as much. Leisure and convenience industries are suffering and there is no end in sight.

As always lower income families are being hit the hardest. People that don't have much or any discretionary income are now choosing between groceries and gasoline and nobody in Washington or any state capitals gives a damn.

Senate Democrats are shamelessly using the suffering of average Americans to help them gain house and senate seats as well as the White House in November. Since the GOP only has people who rode the short bus to school handling their political campaigns, the reality that oil has doubled while Democrats controlled both the House and Senate, most likely will not be properly communicated to the electorate. The GOP deserves an honorable mention in the schmuck department.

The Democrat solution is no solution. They want oil companies to pay a windfall profit tax, which was originally enacted by the biggest schmuck of them all, Jimmy Carter in 1980. I'm not going to get into corporate taxes, but I want to know is how Exxon and BP paying more taxes is going to relieve my pain at the pump?

The truth is that it won't and in fact could have an opposite affect. However the Democratic bill being blocked by the GOP gives the Obama Party a campaign issue, which in reality should be a GOP issue, but they are too stupid to communicate it. Democrats will go to the American people and use the recent legislation failure to claim Republicans only care about those evil oil companies, while we the Democrats care about you and your family.

Senate Democrats are schmucks and so are their fellow schmucks in the house. They are enjoying watching you and I suffer because they believe we deserve it. How dare we drive mini-vans and suv's that get only 20-25 miles to the gallon. We are horrible people for wanting to transfer our family around in a safe comfortable environment. We need to cut back and drive smaller cars regardless of how it impacts our lives. We are destroying the environment with our gas guzzlers, so if we can cut down carbon emissions slightly it's ok if mom and dad loose their job and can't afford to provide proper nutrition for their children is a small price to pay for political power and keeping the environmental lobby happy.

In 1995 the GOP controlled congress passed legislation authorizing drilling in the ANWR province in Alaska. That would have produced over a million barrels of oil a day. Sadly a Schmuck who is famous for not being able to keep his schmuck in his pants, Bill Clinton vetoed the bill. America would have begun utilizing that oil about seven to ten years later. We would have never seen gas prices come close to $4 and with that much less demand on OPEC $3 would have also been unlikely.

What do Democrats care as long as they can make a schmuck out of you, me and the GOP. Then again anyone can make the GOP look like one.

Thank you for not being a schmuck

Contact: schmuckweekly@hotmail.com